​​Fear became my middle and first name - Part I

​Once upon a time I purchased a horse. He is gray. They are always dirty. Or maybe the same level of dirty but more obvious than a bay? I have no idea...to be honest. There's just a lot of dirt. I must say he is gorgeous though, mane and tail for days. He sized me up pretty quickly, the side eye and the up and down. I looked at him both in awe and with some fear. ​He is power, perfection and I am...well lacking in those departments. ​Before we go down this story line, first you must understand where I am coming from as a rider....

Six months​ before the aforementioned beautiful gray beast entered my life, I had a riding accident that left my elbow ​joint ​broken, a dash of PTSD with a sprinkle of self doubt. To say my riding confidence was hanging by a string (not fishing line, but more like a delicate one) is an understatement. I had some choices to make...the first time I rode him I felt so much power. The other horses I had ridden felt like ponies compared to him. Can I do this? Should I do this? What if I get hurt again? I've got a daughter to raise, a business to run, people that count and depend on me. Is this foolish? I am an adult amateur...I have nothing to prove. ​Am I capable? Am I enough? ​And then I realized these are all the same questions we ask ourselves any time we embark on something new....I didn't come to this conclusion easily and it took some time to get there.

Where to begin? I shared my doubts with my therapist. A wonderful woman who listens to me while I divulge my fears. We discuss them in detail, she listens as I talk about my riding and my horses like she would if I were talking about human relationships. She is amazing.

Back to the horse - he arrived a beautiful and perfect specimen with a mouthful of a name. Immediately I renamed him to something that I could actually say without laughing and thinking of Gorditas. I decided to name him Remy....after the main rat character in the movie Ratatouille. Something about his eyes reminded me of that little rat. Ready for adventure, a bit of mischief, spark of high intelligence. But could I make this work even if he had the perfect name??​ Although the perfect name does indeed help the situation...​

My trainer helped me so much with this endeavor...she has three entities to deal with: Remy​, ​​my head, then my body. Turns out my body knows what to do. My head and fears get in the way. I would love to shut my mind off sometimes but it's not possible but at the very minimum, I understand it. It's trying to keep me safe and it doesn't trust my body because once it let it down. I get all this and yet, I struggle in the saddle.